Brian Castelli – With His Heart

We recently watched the movie Fireproof. I enjoyed the movie in one sense and didn’t in another.

I enjoyed the movie because of the strong salvation message. I enjoyed the movie because the principle behind the “Love Dare” agrees with my own opinion and experience about how to improve and maintain relationships. It doesn’t matter how hard you work on the other person, it’s only the energy you put into fixing yourself that makes a difference.

I didn’t like the parts of the movie that reminded me of times when I’ve been angry, impatient, or frustrated and ended up being harsh to my wife. Ephesians 4:2 in the NIV starts out with, “Be completely humble and gentle”. (Emphasis mine) The scriptures talk about gentleness and patience and putting the needs of others before our own. Sigh.

I didn’t like those parts that reminded me of my sin, but I appreciated the reminder that my marriage is an area where I haven’t “arrived.” I must continue to work on myself to be the best husband I can be.

In a previous post, I asserted:

The toughest thing about making a marriage last is that you need to work on yourself, not your spouse.

There are reasons why this is hard and reasons why this is the only thing that works. In this post, I’ll focus on why this is hard.

First of all, we just about always think we’re right. I never do something that I think is wrong. If I know it’s wrong, I won’t do it.

Second, no one wants to look bad. We go to great lengths to wear nice clothes, keep ourselves in shape, drive nice cars, to avoid handling questions we can’t answer, and so on. When we mess up, it’s a natural tendency to cover up.

Third, many of us think we can fix our spouses. We think we can see exactly what the problem is. If only he or she would listen! (Frankly, sometimes it is the other person. But attempting to fix the other person rarely works. I will explore this is greater detail in my next post.) It’s really hard to shift the focus back to working on ourselves when we can easily rip through a short list of the things our spouse has done wrong. It seems so unfair! The down side here is that all too often he or she could rip through a similar list about us!

Fourth, we can almost always find friends to back us up. Because many of them are also struggling in this area, they tend to close ranks with us. It’s a rare and precious thing to have a friend that doesn’t buy into our B.S., that challenges us to think critically about our situations. If you have a friend like this, thank God.

Fifth, the world is against us. The odds are against us even being willing to try to work on ourselves because the world in which we live seems to want to pull us apart. We are bombarded by messages about getting what we need, realizing our dreams, and eliminating from our lives anyone getting in the way.

For these reasons, and more, working on yourself is a very difficult endeavor. It takes great maturity, humility, and strength.

But it’s worth it.

What’s the toughest thing about making marriage last?

It has been the season of weddings around my house. It seems like every young person we know has gotten married this Fall. All of this marital activity has caused my wife and I to ask, “What does it take to stay together?”

There are many possible answers. My wife and I have been together for nearly 28 years. As you might have guessed, we have different ideas about what the single toughest thing is. Mine is this:

The toughest thing about making a marriage last is that you need to work on yourself, not your spouse.

It’s very simple, but it has profound implications.

I’ll be back with further comments on this in a subsequent post.