Brian Castelli – With His Heart

Living with Heart – my heart and His

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This time of year we often find ourselves at graduation ceremonies. My family and I visited a local church recently to be present for their “Graduate Sunday”–a time when they recognize the seniors who have been a part of the church family.

The text for the day was Philippians 1: 9-11:

1:9 And I pray this, that your love may abound even more and more in knowledge and every kind of insight 1:10 so that you can decide what is best, and thus be sincere and blameless for the day of Christ, 1:11 filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ to the glory and praise of God.

(http://beta.net.bible.org/#!bible/Philippians+1)

The preacher highlighted three things that really stuck with me:

  1. Of all the things Paul could have wanted for the Philippians–safety, wealth, health, etc.–his prayer for them was that they love more and more.  (Verse 9)
  2. That they will be careful to know the difference between what’s “good” and what’s “best.” (Verse 10) Not settling just for what’s good. Not settling for what they can do to get by.
  3. That they will bring God glory. (Verse 11)

The preacher urged the graduates–and the rest of us–to ask ourselves the following questions on an ongoing basis:

  • Am I settling for good, or am I striving after what’s best?
  • Am I making choices that please God, that bring glory to Him?

Our job is not done. As these graduates move on, they need us to pray and encourage them to strive for the best and to make God-pleasing choices.

During the recent political campaign season, we were deluged by uncounted political advertisements. If you are anything like me you found it hard to get facts and clarity about the candidates, especially about the presidential candidates. The talking heads on the news channels seemed to care more about who said the right thing to which group and whether they handled the debate well. The uproar of the campaign caused my internal defense mechanisms to kick in. I focused hard on just a few issues in an attempt to maintain my sanity. It mostly worked.

One down side to my focus, however, is that I totally missed an issue. When I saw the Obama’s standing together at the inauguration–Barak, Michelle, Malia and Sasha–it hit me: We have a role-model family in the White House.

It’s been since the 1960’s that we’ve had small children in the White House. At this time in our history when the nation is reeling from divorce, single parenthood, and children growing up in poverty, we have an intact family with small children to identify with.

I hope and pray that the family of the Obama presidency will be a source of inspiration to millions of Americans to get married, stay married, and raise well-loved, well-adjusted children.

Fireproof

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We recently watched the movie Fireproof. I enjoyed the movie in one sense and didn’t in another.

I enjoyed the movie because of the strong salvation message. I enjoyed the movie because the principle behind the “Love Dare” agrees with my own opinion and experience about how to improve and maintain relationships. It doesn’t matter how hard you work on the other person, it’s only the energy you put into fixing yourself that makes a difference.

I didn’t like the parts of the movie that reminded me of times when I’ve been angry, impatient, or frustrated and ended up being harsh to my wife. Ephesians 4:2 in the NIV starts out with, “Be completely humble and gentle”. (Emphasis mine) The scriptures talk about gentleness and patience and putting the needs of others before our own. Sigh.

I didn’t like those parts that reminded me of my sin, but I appreciated the reminder that my marriage is an area where I haven’t “arrived.” I must continue to work on myself to be the best husband I can be.

We ended up watching our 6-year-old neighbor while her parents went to the hospital. It was all very unexpected. Unprepared, we “entertained’ with DVDs. One of them was, “Finding Nemo.” There’s an amazing scene in the movie that got me thinking.

Marlin and Dory are searching desperately for Marlin’s son, Nemo. Along the way they both end up inside of a whale. Marlin freaks out, but Dory is calm, insisting that she can understand the low-pitched droning of the whale’s voice. Here’s one of their exchanges, courtesy of Wikiquote:

Dory: [the whale speaks to her] Okay, that one was a little tougher. He either said “We should go to the back of the throat”, or “he wants a root-beer float”.

Marlin: Of course he wants us to go there! That’s eating us! [rubs his tail on the whale's tongue] How do I taste, Moby? Do I taste good?! [to Dory] You tell him I’m not interested in being lunch!

Dory: Okay. He-e-e-e–

Marlin: Stop talking to him!

Dory: He (the whale) says “It’s time to let go!” Everything’s going to be all right!

Marlin: How do you know? How do you know something bad is gonna happen?!

Dory: I-I don’t!

The last part of the scene takes place as Marlin is holding on to the whale’s tongue as it raises up threatening to send he and Dory sliding down into the back of the throat. Marlin is fighting with everything he has, refusing to surrender control. Dory was willing to trust. She just let go.

It turns out that the whale had transported them to their destination and was putting them in the back of his throat so that he could deliver them via his blow hole. Although everything around them made it look like it was the end, the bigger picture was that they were safe. All they had to do is trust in something bigger then themselves, trust what the whale was telling them.

I think it’s like that with us and God. I heard Dr. Irwin Lutzer on the radio this morning. He told the story of guests at a castle walking up to a huge tapestry on the floor of a great hall. From the up-close perspective of walking on the tapestry, there was no discernible pattern. The tapestry looked like a mainly random collection of colors and patterns. When the guests climbed the stairs, however, and looked down from a great height, they could see that the tapestry was actually a large, beautiful picture. Up close, the big picture was obscured. This is like Marlin and Dory inside the whale. They couldn’t see what was going on outside.

This is also like us. When we look at the world and our circumstances in it we can only see what’s up close. We sometimes get glimpses of God’s larger themes, but mostly the big picture is hidden from us. We’re too close, too deep in the tapestry to always be able to make sense out of what we see. Like Dory, we sometimes need to trust and let go, trust that God has it under control even though what we see suggests otherwise.

I think this is one of the most difficult parts of being a Jesus Follower: Trust beyond what we can see. That why strong faith is grounded in knowledge rather than feelings.

Earlier this week, the Raleigh News & Observer newspaper reported on a new initiative coming to the Raleigh area this year (2009). In an article titled, “In Wake, Nurses Will Aid Families,” Staff Writer Sarah Avery describes the way the new program will impact lives. Avery writes:

The program’s mission is to improve the health of poor children and their mothers by intervening early, while the young women are still pregnant, and sticking with them as their babies grow into toddlers. Established 30 years ago and tested against other interventions to gauge its success, the Nurse Family Partnership has a track record of keeping young mothers off welfare, delaying a second pregnancy and helping women be more attentive and engaged moms.

The bottom line message for you and me: Relationships make a difference. As we attempt to engage the world, it’s getting involved directly in the lives of others that brings about change.

My Hero

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A couple of months ago, I gave a speech about Polio at my Toastmasters club. I was working on an advanced storytelling module, and this project asked me to create a story from my own experience or from the life of someone close to me. I may not have all the facts straight, but I think I got most of this right. The text of my polio speech went something like this:

Title: Strength

8 year old Patricia Donnelly was having a wonderful afternoon. It was a Sunday, and she was attending a birthday party. I’m sure that she enjoyed that party as only an 8 year old can. But things started to go wrong by the time she got home. When Patricia returned from the party, she told her mother that her head hurt – she had a headache. Her mother instructed her to lie down and told her that she’d check on her later. When Patricia’s mother checked on her, however, her concern about the headache changed to fear. Now Patricia had developed a fever.

Her mother called the doctor. Patricia was taken to the hospital where tests proved that their worst fear was true.

Patricia’s world changed dramatically. Very soon, Patricia’s two sisters were sent to live with their aunt in a nearby town. Local health officials put a quarantine sign in the yard, and no one but medical professionals were allowed in or out. Word of Patricia’s condition spread quickly throughout the little town. Even the paper boy refused to cross the property line or take the money the family left out for him. Instead, he ran up and threw the newspaper as hard as he could.

Does this sound like the plot of some bio-terror made-for-TV movie? Or some futuristic story of a biological agent that was accidentally unleashed on an unsuspecting population? Well, this story is true, and it took place almost 60 years ago. The disease that wracked Patricia Donnelly and so frightened her small Midwestern home town was Polio.

We don’t hear much about Polio today. It’s been extinct in the US since the 1960’s. But back in the 1930’s, 40’s and 50’s, parents across this country braced themselves for an annual summertime epidemic. For most of those years, no one knew what caused it. No one knew how it spread. No one knew why it primarily attacked children. And there was no cure. Fear and hysteria reigned. Communities closed their swimming pools and cancelled their Little League baseball programs in efforts to reduce the spread of the disease.

But back to Patricia’s story. Shortly after the fever appeared, the disease attacked her central nervous system. One of her legs went limp and useless. She could no longer walk. Once the fever broke, the disease had run its course. She was moved to St. Francis Hospital in Peoria, IL, some 60 miles from home. There she spent time in a special children’s ward for Polio victims.

Patricia’s parents were not well off. They didn’t own a car and were dependent on trains and rides from friends and neighbors to visit her. Patricia told me that when her mother wasn’t around, she cried and cried and cried. It was a very tough time for her and her family.

In those days, there was no physical therapy. After a couple of surgeries to repair a condition called drop-foot, where the muscles in the leg are not strong enough to lift the front of the foot off the ground, and to install a small steel plate in her leg, Patricia’s doctors had done all they could. They sent her home.

Patricia could not walk. She crawled around the house, dragging her useless leg behind her. She could not attend school, so the local school system provided a tutor to help her keep up her studies. In the face of these obstacles, a weaker person would have given up. But Patricia was strong. Patricia slowly, gradually, courageously taught herself to walk again. The disease left her with a permanent limp, but she was walking! By the time her friends entered high school, Patricia was right there with them! She was a good student. She graduated from high school, worked for a time in a bank, met and married Al Castelli, and raised three children- one of them is me. Yes, Patricia Donnelly, now Pat Castelli, is my mother.

Mom is one of the strongest people I know. As I was growing up, she seemed just like every other mom on the block. I didn’t really think twice about her limp, nor did I realize the daily example of strength and perseverance she was giving us kids. She loved us and cared for my brother and sister and me as any mother would. One of my most vivid childhood memories is of Mom, my sister and I in the house where I grew up. A tornado was approaching in the midst of a horrific thunderstorm. Lightning flashed, thunder pealed, and the rain and wind pelted the outside of the house. The warning sirens were blaring outside, the radio was broadcasting a nearly constant string of messages urging us to take shelter immediately, and it sounded to my tiny ears like the house was about to collapse. I was scared down to the soles of my feet. I frantically asked Mom, “What will we do if the tornado hits our house?” Mom said, “If the tornado hits the house, I will cover you with my body to protect you.” I really believed her. And I still do. She would have done it!

You see, Mom lives her life not as a disabled person, but as a person who happens to have a disability. When I asked her about her Polio in preparation for this speech, she told me that she really has never thought about it. She doesn’t live her life in despair over Polio. She’s too busy living! She has too much to do!

These days, the Polio still wears on Mom. She is suffering from Post-Polio Syndrome, the result of almost 60 years of the muscles that survived the disease pulling extra duty. They are tired. She’s following the prescribed “brace and pace” method of coping. She wears a leg brace and she rests more often than she used to. But her spirit, her strength, is undiminished. And her example, her positive influence on her children and grandchildren, will continue for generations to come.

Different

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My daughter had a chance to “lord it over” one of the kids in her physical education class at the high school. The guy was a macho, uber-competitive jock. He bragged and postured, but when he played tennis against my daughter she beat him handily. The other kids were laying it on thick. They had heard this guy long enough, and now it was there turn to let him have it. My daughter chose not to do so. She won with dignity and grace. She behaved differently than the entire class. I guarantee that some of them took notice.

We Christians are called to differentiate ourselves from the world by our behavior. One of the best witnesses we can provide is by holding back when the world says we have every right to forge ahead. My daughter had “bragging rights”, and by not exercising them the way most of her peers would have she demonstrated her faith in a real and tangible way.

I once saw a tee-shirt with the words, “Share the Gospel. Use words if necessary.” I am humbled by the example of my daughter.

Not a quitter

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I was talking to my dad on the telephone the other day. We were discussing my daughter’s move to another state, how it made me feel, and what the future might hold for her. My dad reminded me that I had moved to another state shortly after getting married. After I had been away from home for a few months, I called him and asked, “You wouldn’t think I was a quitter if I came back home, would you?”
I have no specific memory of that event, but I believe it to be true. And, shortly after that conversation, we moved back home. I was full of false hope about what life in that other state would be like. When I got there, I found out that I was wrong.
My searching didn’t end there. I kept looking for an easy fix, a quick way to “success”, whatever that meant to me back then. I discovered that, except in a few extremely rare cases, there is no quick way. Success in whatever form you strive for takes hard work and patience with at least a few failures.
Tom Peters, a business guru that I deeply respect, claims that one of the prerequisites for fantastic, mind-blowing success is one or more horrible failures. It is in the hotbed of trial and error, especially error, that the most successful among us are trained.

In a previous post, I asserted:

The toughest thing about making a marriage last is that you need to work on yourself, not your spouse.

There are reasons why this is hard and reasons why this is the only thing that works. In this post, I’ll focus on why this is hard.

First of all, we just about always think we’re right. I never do something that I think is wrong. If I know it’s wrong, I won’t do it.

Second, no one wants to look bad. We go to great lengths to wear nice clothes, keep ourselves in shape, drive nice cars, to avoid handling questions we can’t answer, and so on. When we mess up, it’s a natural tendency to cover up.

Third, many of us think we can fix our spouses. We think we can see exactly what the problem is. If only he or she would listen! (Frankly, sometimes it is the other person. But attempting to fix the other person rarely works. I will explore this is greater detail in my next post.) It’s really hard to shift the focus back to working on ourselves when we can easily rip through a short list of the things our spouse has done wrong. It seems so unfair! The down side here is that all too often he or she could rip through a similar list about us!

Fourth, we can almost always find friends to back us up. Because many of them are also struggling in this area, they tend to close ranks with us. It’s a rare and precious thing to have a friend that doesn’t buy into our B.S., that challenges us to think critically about our situations. If you have a friend like this, thank God.

Fifth, the world is against us. The odds are against us even being willing to try to work on ourselves because the world in which we live seems to want to pull us apart. We are bombarded by messages about getting what we need, realizing our dreams, and eliminating from our lives anyone getting in the way.

For these reasons, and more, working on yourself is a very difficult endeavor. It takes great maturity, humility, and strength.

But it’s worth it.

What’s the toughest thing about making marriage last?

It has been the season of weddings around my house. It seems like every young person we know has gotten married this Fall. All of this marital activity has caused my wife and I to ask, “What does it take to stay together?”

There are many possible answers. My wife and I have been together for nearly 28 years. As you might have guessed, we have different ideas about what the single toughest thing is. Mine is this:

The toughest thing about making a marriage last is that you need to work on yourself, not your spouse.

It’s very simple, but it has profound implications.

I’ll be back with further comments on this in a subsequent post.