Brian Castelli – With His Heart

We recently watched the movie Fireproof. I enjoyed the movie in one sense and didn’t in another.

I enjoyed the movie because of the strong salvation message. I enjoyed the movie because the principle behind the “Love Dare” agrees with my own opinion and experience about how to improve and maintain relationships. It doesn’t matter how hard you work on the other person, it’s only the energy you put into fixing yourself that makes a difference.

I didn’t like the parts of the movie that reminded me of times when I’ve been angry, impatient, or frustrated and ended up being harsh to my wife. Ephesians 4:2 in the NIV starts out with, “Be completely humble and gentle”. (Emphasis mine) The scriptures talk about gentleness and patience and putting the needs of others before our own. Sigh.

I didn’t like those parts that reminded me of my sin, but I appreciated the reminder that my marriage is an area where I haven’t “arrived.” I must continue to work on myself to be the best husband I can be.

I came across an article on MSNBC today. I was intrigued by the title: One tiny truffle may lead to more indulgence. The article sites the work of a couple of Florida researchers, Juliano Laran of the University of Miami and Chris Janiszewski of the University of Florida Gainesville. The bottom line: Giving into a small temptation may be the first step down a slippery slope of indulgence. Are you surprised? I doubt it. You and I live on the same planet, after all.

I think it’s safe to apply the slippery slope rule to sin in our lives. A man know used to be a decent, stand-up guy. Then his wife left him for another man. For a while he seemed like the same guy. Then he started messing around with other women. Then I began to observe hints of other immoral behavior. He even started lying to me to cover it all up. A new man emerged – one that seems to have gone deeper and deeper into a lifestyle that does not suit him. I believe he is on the slippery slope.

Laran and Janiszewski characterize their research in terms of goal conflict. Their study shows that whether people give in to that first temptation and how they react when they do corresponds to how firmly held their goals are. A person who has strong convictions about eating healthy will be less likely to indulge in the first place and more likely to return to healthy eating habits if they do. I can’t resist the urge to tie this conclusion to sin in our lives as well.

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that we ought to have good reasons for our choices. When we understand why we make the choices we do we are more likely to be consistent with our goals. Let’s use the example of a young woman who refrains from having sex before marriage because she’s afraid of what her mother will think. Under constant pressure from her boyfriend, she may give in and discover that her mother’s reaction isn’t so bad. She becomes more and more willing until pre-marital sex becomes a “natural” way of relating to the men she dates. The slide down the slippery slope began because she didn’t have a really good reason for her behavior. If, however, the young woman understands that pre-martial sex is wrong – not just because her mother says so, but because it is against God’s plan for her life, that it is a violation of the purity she brings to her marriage, that it is a betrayal of her vows to her future husband, and is a step of disobedience to her Lord and Savior – she is less likely to give in to her boyfriend’s advances.

Translate this into what it means for us. If we are living our lives to please Jesus, we will be less likely to give in when temptation comes our way, and, for those times when we do give in, we will be quick to repent and return to Him. If our world view is consistent with the truth found in scripture, we are much less likely to make choices that involve us in sin.

In a previous post, I asserted:

The toughest thing about making a marriage last is that you need to work on yourself, not your spouse.

There are reasons why this is hard and reasons why this is the only thing that works. In this post, I’ll focus on why this is hard.

First of all, we just about always think we’re right. I never do something that I think is wrong. If I know it’s wrong, I won’t do it.

Second, no one wants to look bad. We go to great lengths to wear nice clothes, keep ourselves in shape, drive nice cars, to avoid handling questions we can’t answer, and so on. When we mess up, it’s a natural tendency to cover up.

Third, many of us think we can fix our spouses. We think we can see exactly what the problem is. If only he or she would listen! (Frankly, sometimes it is the other person. But attempting to fix the other person rarely works. I will explore this is greater detail in my next post.) It’s really hard to shift the focus back to working on ourselves when we can easily rip through a short list of the things our spouse has done wrong. It seems so unfair! The down side here is that all too often he or she could rip through a similar list about us!

Fourth, we can almost always find friends to back us up. Because many of them are also struggling in this area, they tend to close ranks with us. It’s a rare and precious thing to have a friend that doesn’t buy into our B.S., that challenges us to think critically about our situations. If you have a friend like this, thank God.

Fifth, the world is against us. The odds are against us even being willing to try to work on ourselves because the world in which we live seems to want to pull us apart. We are bombarded by messages about getting what we need, realizing our dreams, and eliminating from our lives anyone getting in the way.

For these reasons, and more, working on yourself is a very difficult endeavor. It takes great maturity, humility, and strength.

But it’s worth it.

What’s the toughest thing about making marriage last?

It has been the season of weddings around my house. It seems like every young person we know has gotten married this Fall. All of this marital activity has caused my wife and I to ask, “What does it take to stay together?”

There are many possible answers. My wife and I have been together for nearly 28 years. As you might have guessed, we have different ideas about what the single toughest thing is. Mine is this:

The toughest thing about making a marriage last is that you need to work on yourself, not your spouse.

It’s very simple, but it has profound implications.

I’ll be back with further comments on this in a subsequent post.

A woman asked me if she was crazy for being all upset about the fact that her kids were getting independent. They are two and four, and “independent” means potty trained. The questoion gave me a chance to consider how I felt about my own children.

My kids are much older than hers, but I can remember well the feelings that she described. When they were small, they depended on my wife and I for everything. As they became more and more independent, it felt, to me, like something was being taken from us. I don’t think it’s crazy to feel this way.

The good news is that these feelings didn’t last. Both of her kids are very small. We all are growing as parents while they are growing as children. When they are small, it’s still very early in this process.

The Bible says many things about raising children. One of the principles that is clearly outlined in its pages is the concept of preparing our kids to become God-followers on their own. In the same way that we train them to tie their shoes and brush their teeth, we are to teach them about God to prepare them for the day when they must make their own choices – will they follow God or not? As such, as much as it pains us, our job as parents is to train them for making adult choices. We simply must put aside our own feelings of wanting them to forever be our little babies and equip them to be functioning adults.

I can’t site a verse to support this, but I believe that teaching our children to make good decisions is our #1 job as parents. Since we almost always get them as little babies, it’s a long, slow process of teaching them to walk, go potty, tie shoes, do homework, read the Bible, pay attention in church, drive responsibly, know how to pick a girlfriend/wife, etc.